尝试独立写作

Lau督察

你认为当今是电话作用更大还是电视，为什么？

During the past 50 years, we came through the age of electricity and stepped into the era of information. Therefore, telephone, televisions as well as other electronic devices are filled in every corner of our daily life. While the citical function of communication of the telephone cannot be ignored, I subscribe the notion that television plays a greater role in our life at present.

First and foremost, corporations are able to make more profits via TV, on which advertisements of products are frequently played. For instance, a decade ago, the dominate drink for Chinese people was coke even though it was regarded as the junk drink. However, the manufacturer Wang Laoji created a sort of cold tea with the same name that altered the market significantly. As Wang Laoji Tea was seldom known by citizens at the beginning, the company made TV advertisements as propaganda, in which the tea was called the marriage of Chinese traditional medicine and fashion flavor. As a large group of TV audience heard the repeated words extremely frequently and watched people on TV drinking Wang Laoji Tea happily, more and more guests ordering the tea in the restaurant were significantly surprised by its flavor and effect, enabling the tea to become as renowned as the coke. Moreover, the company then asked some consumers to make compliments of the product in the TV advertisement. Under this circumstance, the Wang Laoji Manufacturer made considerable profits with a little cost in making TV advertisement, while the telephone cannot support such ads.

Simultaneously, the television provides various programs for watchers to learn knowledge or have fun while telephone fails to do so. If telephone is like our little house garden, television resemble the expansive natural park. In our own garden, with controlled number and constrained growing period of plants, we possess limited opportunites of enjoying the beauty of plants, let alone learning knowledge from them. Nevertheless, in the natural park, due to all kinds of plants growing there, we are capable of appreciating corresponding plants according to the season as long as we reach there. What's more, owing to the large number, we can choose what we are interested in and observe them in order to learn something. Similarly, the mechanism of telephone makes us receive information merely when we make calls for a short time. But for a variety of programs on TV, we can cultivate our interests whenever we desire.

Last but not least, we have a better comprehension of information trasferred more directly by TV than by phone. According to a recent survey by Peking University, 76% of the interviewees believe they can understand TV information better and faster. Some even point out that it is the images and videos on TV that transcend the function of phone. Therefore, people consider TV as a better information receiver than phone.

In conclusion, since television is a better medium for companies, offers all kinds of programs and make people understand messages better than telephone, it is more beneficial to the society than telephone.

山姆大叔

During the past 50 years, we came through the age of electricity and stepped into the era of information. Therefore, telephone, televisions as well as other electronic devices are filled in every corner of our daily life. While the citical function of communication of the telephone cannot be ignored, I subscribe the notion that television plays a greater role in our life at present.

First and foremost, corporations are able to make more profits via TV, on which advertisements of products are frequently played. For instance, a decade ago, the dominate drink for Chinese people was coke even though it was regarded as the junk drink. However, the manufacturer Wang Laoji created a sort of cold tea(凉茶不是cold tea，你可以说soft drink就行了，比chinglish好) with the same name that altered the market significantly. As Wang Laoji Tea was seldom known by citizens at the beginning, the company made TV advertisements as propaganda, in which the tea was called the marriage of Chinese traditional medicine and fashion flavor. As a large group of TV audience heard the repeated words extremely frequently and watched people on TV drinking Wang Laoji Tea happily, more and more guests ordering the tea in the restaurant were significantly surprised by its flavor and effect, enabling the tea to become as renowned as the coke. Moreover, the company then asked some consumers to make compliments of the product in the TV advertisement. Under this circumstance, the Wang Laoji Manufacturer made considerable profits with a little cost in making TV advertisement, while the telephone cannot support such ads.

Simultaneously, the television provides various programs for watchers to learn knowledge or have fun while telephone fails to do so. If telephone is like our little house garden, television resemble the expansive natural park. In our own garden, with controlled number and constrained growing period of plants, we possess limited opportunites of enjoying the beauty of plants, let alone learning knowledge from them. Nevertheless, in the natural park, due to all kinds of plants growing there, we are capable of appreciating corresponding plants according to the season as long as we reach there. What's more, owing to the large number, we can choose what we are interested in and observe them in order to learn something. Similarly, the mechanism of telephone makes us receive information merely when we make calls for a short time. But for a variety of programs on TV, we can cultivate our interests whenever we desire.（这个例子不错）

Last but not least, we have a better comprehension of information trasferred more directly by TV than by phone. According to a recent survey by Peking University, 76% of the interviewees believe they can understand TV information better and faster. Some even point out that it is the images and videos on TV that transcend the function of phone. Therefore, people consider TV as a better information receiver than phone.

In conclusion, since television is a better medium for companies, offers all kinds of programs and make people understand messages better than telephone, it is more beneficial to the society than telephone.（最后一段可以再扩展一下，再写一两句背景式的话就行了）


基本上能打到26分以上，接下来提出进一步提升的建议。在学术性写作当中，除了你自己的观点可以用WE或者I这外，在小论点段落当中，最好不要出现WE或者I，而用被动语态来代替，会更书面，更容易得分。例如这一句，What's more, owing to the large number, we can choose what we are interested in and observe them in order to learn something. 你可以改成：What's more, owing to the larger number, interesting scenes and plants can be chosed and observed at wish.

霜之内伤

看起来不错

清水

过来看看的