个人陈述修改：加拿大UBC

大山

原文：

Personal Statement

Dear Admission Officer,

I am the applicant Zhou Haoyu, will graduate from Lushan International Experimental School in 2014. As a young woman with ambitious heart, I intend to make further improvement by learning Bachelor of Business Administration program in your distinguished university.

When I was in Senior High School, with suggestion of my mother who is engaged in accounting work of our family's company, I set up a small "bank" inside my family, persuading the family members to deposit and looking for opportunity for lending. I did business in my bank for the family members complying with the procedure of the real bank faithfully. And my mother gave me many advice and instructions. I also read books on finance in my spare time in order to operate the bank well. Therefore, my bank was well on its way. During this process, I combined what I have learnt in finance from my mother and books with practice. Consequently, I not only earn lots of pocket money from the profit but also achieve many knowledge and experience on finance. So interesting! Just at that time, I heard the strong desire from my mind that I was fond of finance.

During the over 2-year school time, I studied hard and have made outstanding achievements. I got excellent results in all my courses and I am the top 3 out of the 58 students in my class. I took part in the composition contest and mathematical physics academic knowledge contest and win the Third Prize; also won the First Prize in the Art Festival. Worth to mention, I travelled to the United States with my school in summer, and I published the speech in English and represented of more than 70 students on farewell ceremony in the local school.

Personally, I am active and open to new ideas. Apart from school studies, I have seized every chance to take part in extracurricular activities. I am the volunteer of "Chuanxiang Juvenile", after this activity, I represented for a sentiment and won the "top ten literary award". In school， I served the post of student cadre in the student union and planed school series of activities; In class, I was responsible for performance by own costumes design, and leaded the class won the second prize on the class art festival. Through the debate competitions, I greatly improved my capacities of logic thinking, oral speaking and impression.

With regard to personal goals, I have wanted to go to University of British Columbia to study the Bachelor of Business Administration. It has earned a strong reputation as a center for academic excellence and innovation. And integral part of innovative culture is their focus on experiential learning that enables students to gain hands-on experience through Co-op work terms, internships and assignments that stimulate learning, and lead to personal development and discovery and enhance our ability to function effectively very quickly after moving into our career paths.

Truthfully Yours,

Zhou Haoyu

批改后：

I am the applicant Zhou Haoyu, will graduate from Lushan International Experimental School in 2014. As a young woman with ambitious heart, I intend to make further improvement by learning Bachelor of Business Administration program in your distinguished university. (第一段开门见山是好事情，但是略显平淡乏味，不妨直接从自己喜欢BUSINESS的起因说起，明确自己要申请的专业)

When I was in Senior High School, with suggestion of my mother who is engaged in accounting work of our family's company, I set up a small "bank" inside my family, persuading the family members to deposit and looking for opportunity for lending. I did business in my bank for the family members complying with the procedure of the real bank faithfully. And my mother gave me many advice and instructions.(这个事例是相当不错的，可以考虑扩写点当中碰到的问题和你通过这次经历对accounting的理解) I also read books on finance in my spare time in order to operate the bank well. Therefore, my bank was well on its way. During this process, I combined what I have learnt in finance from my mother and books with practice. Consequently, I not only earn lots of pocket money from the profit but also achieve many knowledge and experience on finance. So interesting! Just at that time, I heard the strong desire from my mind that I was fond of finance. (这里FINANCE 跟accounting还是有偏差的，要理清楚怎么个经过)

During the over 2-year school time, I studied hard and have made outstanding achievements. I got excellent results in all my courses and I am the top 3 out of the 58 students in my class. I took part in the composition contest and mathematical physics academic knowledge contest and win the Third Prize; also won the First Prize in the Art Festival. Worth to mention, I travelled to the United States with my school in summer, and I published the speech in English and represented of more than 70 students on farewell ceremony in the local school. (如果要突出课业优秀，也可以着重写跟FINANCE 和 ACCOUNTING有关的课程如何优秀，比如说数学，经济课等等，其他一些不相干的奖项可以考虑做个简历上去，不用在文书中一一说明)

Personally, I am active and open to new ideas. Apart from school studies, I have seized every chance to take part in extracurricular activities. I am the volunteer of "Chuanxiang Juvenile", after this activity, I represented for a sentiment and won the "top ten literary award". In school， I served the post of student cadre in the student union and planed school series of activities; In class, I was responsible for performance by own costumes design, and leaded the class won the second prize on the class art festival. Through the debate competitions, I greatly improved my capacities of logic thinking, oral speaking and impression.

With regard to personal goals, I have wanted to go to University of British Columbia to study the Bachelor of Business Administration. It has earned a strong reputation as a center for academic excellence and innovation. And integral part of innovative culture is their focus on experiential learning that enables students to gain hands-on experience through Co-op work terms, internships and assignments that stimulate learning, and lead to personal development and discovery and enhance our ability to function effectively very quickly after moving into our career paths.(这段是要拍马屁的话，着重写UBC的商学院和专业如何出色吧，可以考虑加上你对它的了解，比如说，商学院的氛围如何，有什么课程很吸引你等等，写空话是很乏味的)

TPO小站综合点评及批改意见：

本文中可以看出同学你是比较优秀的，但是我的建议是，申请文不是把你过往的经历全部堆在一篇文章里，那样的话只是你简历的扩写，比较乏味平淡无奇。 从内容上结构上来说，我建议做一个改动，从你FAMILY BANK作为切入口，叙述你为了学习BUSINESS，做了多少相关的准备，得到了多少学业上的成就，并且将来想要做什么。 剩下的篇幅，再可以考虑加入课外活动啦，personality的东西。另外，一些不相干的奖项和成就，建议做成简历，不要统统写在文书里

缘里来

多谢楼主大力分享，学习了

黑色番茄酱

多谢楼主大力分享，学习了

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辛苦了！感谢楼主的无私奉献！