托福备考写作技巧：“Show Time”段内举例

幸勿至

　　举例子对练习托福备考写作的的同学并不陌生，它是提升文章说服力的必备武器，也是评分标准里"明文规定"的硬性要求。它甚至已经成为议论文中约定俗成的一部分。然而就是这个最常见的"For example", 难倒了众多考生同学。

　　学生抱怨最多的是"写不出来"，有一些同学是扩充思路时比较局限，把中间段的立意想得过于空泛，举例子时便找不到具象的概念;更多同学是已经想出了很好展开的点，但到举例时短短一两句话带过，用词相比主题句体现不出内容上的展开伸延，甚至是完全重复。

　　其实出现这样的困难是非常正常的：我们在审题时首先思考的问题是题目的类型，然后根据题目的类型和内容扩充思路，确定中间段写几段、每段写什么。这从全文结构来看是中间段主题句(即段首句)的核心关键词，一般来讲都相对抽象。

　　等到我们开始写文章时，发现段内结构中从主题句到例子需要由抽象到具体，然而这个具体的例子在最初审题时很少和主题句同时想出来。也就是说，对于举例子的体裁和顺序的思考在写作的时间顺序中是置后的。这导致一些同学在举例子时直接重复自己在主题句中写的词句，甚至用词含义比主题句中写得更宽泛。

　　对于这样的问题，经常在课堂上和学生强调两点解决办法：一个是Show More Than Tell, 一个是场景的描写。

　　首先我们来看show & tell. 在中间段段内，主题句的目的是tell,之后的语言更多的是show. 我们的主题句应该做的是将topic(题目中的话题)和controlling idea(审题时想出来的扩充思路)用简洁明了的语言"tell"给读者和阅卷人。这句话是非常直接和抽象的。按照结构的要求，之后的语言需要把主题句解释出来，围绕着主题句展开。在例子当中，做到 "show"，展现出图片式的内容，让阅卷人在读后能在脑中浮现出场景。

　　这时的段内举例好比一个摄影师的展览，而不是几行文字的堆砌。比如这样一句话 "She is nervous." 和这样一段话 "She sat in a dentist's waiting room, peeling the skin at the edge of her thumb, until the raw red flesh began to show. Biting the torn cuticle, she ripped it away and sucked at the warm sweetness of her own blood." 再比如，"The music was very loud," 和 "My ears were still ringing." ; "I can still hear the waterfall." 和 "The sound of the falls can still reach my ears." tell 和 show的区别是显而易见的。在授课过程中，首先会和学生强调这个原则，让学生形成一个对段内展开逻辑的初步的概念。

　　而后，学生的问题就是究竟怎么show?作家Lynn Quitman Troyka针对议论文写作提出了RENNS model. RENNS指：Reasons, Examples, Names, Numbers, and Senses. 这非常适用于托福备考写作。在中间段举例，我们可以加上这些内容使例子更加具体生动。

　　1) Reasons(Why?)

　　Taking part-time jobs is considerably beneficial for university students.

　　As taking part-time jobs can enhance hands-on ability, it is considerably beneficial to university students.

　　2) Examples (What?)

　　The handbook is a good guide for using documentation.

　　The MGL handbook provides a good guide for documenting works cited.

　　3) Name (Who?)

　　Students can obtain practical working experience when they participate in part-time jobs in a factory.

　　Specific

　　My friend Jack who is a biology student once worked in a factory manufacturingdairy products.

　　4) Numbers (How many?)

　　Even though many members of the student congress were absent, the motion still passed.

　　Even though thirteen members of the student congress were absent, the motion still passed.

　　5) Senses (How?)

　　The truck was going very fast.

　　The truck was zooming down residential streets at 70 miles an hour.

　　在五个元素的点缀下，例子会明显增添说服力。尤其是对于第五个Senses的讲解，特别适用于不会举例子的同学。学生大部分觉得个人经历相对于一般性例子更好写一些，因为个人经历是可以自己杜撰的，数字、名字无从考察，写起来更加自由。但是，一般性例子里很多时候没法写特别具体的数字和名字，学生觉得没有元素能写在例子中。比如一下的例子：

　　Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way for parents to teach their children about responsibility is to have them care for an animal.

　　(学生原文：Disagree) Secondly, children's taking care of animals could result in alienation from their parents and friends. Children live should with the animal every day, and make them don't playing with other people and talking with other people. They pay much attention on the animal. And do not have a good relationship with their family member.

　　不看学生所犯的语言错误，横线部分的细节并没有"细"起来，还是tell，而非show。但在给学生讲解Senses的原则后并修改语言错误后，得到改善：

　　(修改后)Secondly, children's taking care of animals could result in alienation from their parents and friends because children will spend most of their spare time in taking care of animals. Children will have to feed them, wash them and walk them. Also, when the pet becomes ill, they will take them to the hospital. In this case, the time for family and friends would be replaced to a large extent by staying with the animals.

　　其实不难看出，senses,其实真正写的是"场景"。在举例中，不论是详细的个人经历，还是宽泛的一般性例子，都是不同的动作连接起来形成的一个故事。一般性例子通常因为比较广泛，难以联想具体内容将学生难倒。但实际上一般性例子也只是把例子中的主角的群体扩大到一群人，然后描述出一群人所做的事情，即广泛的现象，去证明主题句中的观点。那么在写一个群体做某件事时，把场景动作写出来，就找到了例子里最重要的元素。而场景动作落实到语言上就是动词。例：我们生活的时代比以前更好还是更差?

　　The last factor that has made our age so uncomfortable is the abusive use of technology. Although it brings much convenience, it essentially changes human - we are no longer the master of tools, but instead the slaves of devices. We rush to metro station in order to catch an early train, sit in front of radioactive computers all day long in order to get our work done, and stay in air-conditioned rooms all summer without experiencing the natural changes outside thick cement walls. Several decades ago, people could still live closer to nature and make rational use of modern technology, which to me is the essence of human living experience.

　　以上一段就是将一系列的动作用非常具体的动词，以事情发展顺序展开。从场景动词的内容上来看，都是我们日常生活中每天经历的，容易联想;从例子展开的逻辑来看，具有较强的逻辑性和连贯性。 Senses 作为一个帮助扩充举例素材的工具，易于托福备考写作还处在初级阶段的学生理解及掌握。

孔庆西

:lol

农妇三泉

学习下

贝克汉

我也是坐沙发的

弱纯净水

楼猪V5啊